i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
