How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize