I hate your face
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
