I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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