I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
