She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
