I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
