I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
