I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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