Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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