Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize