I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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