yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
