Barsexuality is the new black.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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