hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
