rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
