I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
