i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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