Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
