Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
