remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
