he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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