made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if only i could text you this smell
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
