meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
