Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
