Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
