i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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