Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize