mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
