and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
