you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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