I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
