made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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