new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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