If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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