It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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