hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
