I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm bleeding and have questions
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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