I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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