Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
