I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
