were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize