Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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