We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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