I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
