Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
