you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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