Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
