Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
