my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
