You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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