We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
