So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
