Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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