She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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