At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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