I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
