Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
