I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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