I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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