you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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