I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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