I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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