just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Randomize
