drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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