Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
