can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
